Afrodisio Aguado Advice from a straight white male by Don Jeremy

Dear Mr. D,

Before I lay my sexual shame on a platter for you to dissect, I’d like to know what qualifies you to give sexual advice. Did you study? Are you like Jack Nicholson? Have you lived through more than two sexually transmitted infections?

Dear Sir,

Don’t be ashamed. We are all sexual beings, except for those of us who aren’t, and they have nothing to be ashamed of either. But as for your insulting question regarding my qualifications, I can hardly deign to reply. I know I am qualified, my past and present lovers know I am qualified, and I have excellent research skills where my prior experience and studies may fail. I have never had a sexually transmitted disease, because while wisdom is derived from experience, the better part of wisdom is restraint. That said, I will let my intimidating silence speak for itself and move on.

Dear Don J.,

When summer comes I have this little problem where I wanna fuck the absolute shit out of about 1000 girls on a daily basis. Should I move to a Muslim country?

Dear Sir,

I sympathize with you. And while women from Muslim-majority countries are often easy on the eyes (Persian women being particularly so), their brothers will flat kill you if you so much as talk to them. They may kill her too, so even if you do have a death wish, remember that your actions may have unintended consequences for others. Responsible is sexy. Therefore, while you may be very happy about moving to a Muslim country if you are interested in Islamic religion or culture, the oil biz, war profiteering, etc., I do not advise that you do so to increase your chances at getting laid. Besides, it’s almost too hot too do anything physical at all in those countries in summer. Almost.

Also, 1000 girls per day is quite a high figure, but I imagine you’re willing to give it a try. Physiology is one thing, but more importantly: are you rich?

Dear Sexy Jer,

Do you know of anywhere I could find an online map of all the little condom machines around the center of Barna? Can you make me one? Shouldn’t someone? And also, I have this Jägermeister condon here that I’m a bit afraid to use. Is it cool to use novelty condoms? Are they subjected to the same tests as other condoms? What about flavoured ones? Can you fuck with them? Or just mouthbam?

Dear Sir,

Someone would have to make this map. Maybe one of the surfeit “sexy beer” immigrants are available? The chief problem would be in financing it, but I’m sure a reasonable agreement could be reached. Anyone who cares to volunteer information on the location of a nearby condom vending machine may write this column for entry into a potential database to that effect.

Novelty condoms are not objectively cool, but since true sexual satisfaction is subjective, that doesn’t have to be reason to avoid them. (Note: condom use itself is objectively extremely cool, with no exceptions except between or among STD-clean, exclusive partners.) Of course you may want to ensure that the person to receive this Jägermeister condom actually likes the taste of Jägermeister. If you are concerned about condom reliability (and you should be), stick to the flavored varieties of well-known brands (advertising space for sale here) and read the fine print carefully to confirm that it is safe for vaginal and/or anal use. Alas, sometimes the fine print doesn’t answer our questions, and in that case I would use it only for oral sex. Finally, do be aware that many flavored condoms are coated with glycerin or sugar, which can lead to yeast infections in anuses and vaginas alike. Yeast infections are objectively lame.