Afrodisio Aguado Advice from a straight white male by Don Jeremy

Dear Don Jeremy,
I used to know this guy who worked as a farmhand and one of his jobs was cutting the testicles off goats. They would flip the goats upside-down to control them. Then they cut them off with a knife. The guy learned pretty quickly that he didn't have enough hands. He'd need one hand to hold one of the goat's rear legs, and another hand for the other, so the animal wouldn't kick him in the head when he went for the jewels. But that didn't leave a hand for the knife. To make a long story short, he learned from one of the other farmhands that the traditional thing to do is to just bite them off and then spit them out in a bucket. It went a lot faster. Anyway, I was telling this story one day when his girlfriend was over. It turned out that she'd never heard it, and after that she wouldn't let him kiss her, and he got pissed. So who did wrong: me for telling the story, him for not telling his girl he was chewing live goat balls all day, or her for getting so worked up about it instead of just telling him to go wash his face really, really well before paying her any kind of attention? They broke up pretty soon after and he was really bummed.

Cabreado

Dear Cabreado,
Thanks for ruining my breakfast and the memories of the summer romance I had with Sally the Shepherdess.

I find it hard to attribute guilt, per se, to any of the three parties. I am still struggling with the scenario. How did this "tradition" come about? Perhaps long ago, some ornery rancher was too cheap to hire another hand, too friendless to get help or too perverted to come to the commonsense conclusion that this is clearly a two-man job? Necessity is the mother of invention, so I can allow that someone, somewhere, once had to resort to such distasteful and desperate measures. But how any community could take such a wrong turn – and stay on that path – is chilling.

The only advice I can give is for your friend, if you still speak to him at all: Don't mix drinking time with story time. These kinds of skeletons go with you to the grave.

Dear Don Jeremy,
My boyfriend cheated on me during a business trip with one of his co-workers. I suggested that to resolve this without breaking up, I should sleep with one of his other co-workers. Now my boyfriend says I am being unfair, because I'm trying to create problems for him at work, when this is really a problem with our home life. I told him I've always wanted to fuck this particular co-worker of his so it's not really any different. Does this seem like a reasonable way to resolve this?

Vengeful Vicky

Dear Vengeful Vicky,
That's nice that you want to hold onto your relationship with your boyfriend. However, I doubt that engaging in a tit-for-tat fuck-off will help either of you to heal in the long term, especially since his main gripe, as I understand it, is that your proposal could make him uncomfortable at work. Does it not faze him to imagine you handled by another man?

I am sure that your ego is bruised and that you want to feel attractive again. But while sleeping with someone new might give you a quick boost in that regard, it won't do much to restore the image you once had of your boyfriend.

Personally, I'd just screw his coworker and then dump them both.

Dear Don Jeremy,
Does it have to be about bitches and rims all the time?

B-Loc

Dear B-Loc,
No, dog, it don't. Take your nephew fishing, or go check out your local symphony. You can keep it real anywhere. Peace.

Dear Don Jeremy,
I was thinking that instead of working at the job I have, which I don't like at all because of a controlling boss, that I'd pick up some bored married 60-something guy and live off his gratitude for six months or a year while I got a freelance photography career going. I found a guy and he gets the arrangement but insists on paying me in cash. I would much rather just live in an apartment he finds and rents for my residence and our assignations. How do I explain this to him in a way that he understands?

Holly Golightly

Dear Holly Golightly,
You're a ho. It's okay. A rose is a rose is a rose. So get over the semantics of the situation, deposit his cash in the bank all by yourself and focus on your new venture.

Querido Don Jeremy,
Soy un marciano del planeta Marte, como indica el nombre. Tengo la misión de fecundar a treinta mujeres en el planeta Tierra. ¿Me puedes dar algun consejo?

[Intraducible]

Dear [Intraducible],
Don't bother going to Sweden. Both parties are required to sign a legal contract before engaging in intercourse there, and your legal status as an extraterrestrial will be unclear.

In the rest of the Western World you should be able to find willing partners, especially after 2 am, but your Martian seed will need to overcome birth control and the abortion clinic. Thirty women might take a long time.

Fertility rates are high in central Africa and you are unlikely to contract HIV, but the place is fraught with conflict. Tread with care.

Many Chinese women already have the legal maximum (1).

I recommend you consider Japan. Do you have tentacles? Schoolgirls all over the country fantasize about being violated via shokushu goukan, at least according to the hentai comic book I've been reading.

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