|
Aries
Quadrennial sporting events
bring out the rabid fan in even the most
apathetic of spectators. All of a sudden,
people who might normally be kind are
fighting with you about utterly retarded
issues. Chairs, tables, drinks, headroom...
it’s like a return to the great preteen days
of pulling hair and teeth. No wonder it’s
so dangerous to mix sports and politics.
Your recent athletic ventures have been
more of the extreme-bedroom-sport variety,
but don’t let the seeming privacy of
your games fool you: the personal is still
political.
Taurus
There is a time for dreaming
and a time to get real, and you are squarely
in the latter period, my friend. Like Icarus,
you’ve been letting things melt and slip,
and while we all like a sloppy ride now
and again, it’s not really a good long-term
policy to just wait and see what happens.
Whatever fears you have about confronting
life’s challenges head-on, channel
Steve Jobs and go wreck some corporate
heads.
Gemini
Who was it that decided adults
should work in the summer? If we all
had a mandatory vacation period of two
months, in which we were forced to go
and do nothing but lie under a beach
parasol all day, every day, wouldn’t the
creative juices start flowing again? The
neurons need a break, and so do you.
Winter into spring has been non-stop at
the grind – it’s time to reflect on all that
you have accomplished. And if it turns
out that you have accomplished nothing,
bow your head in shame, like Tiger Woods,
and change your tack.
Cancer
You’ve been pushing buttons
lately and, before continuing, you should
probably assess the damage that’s been
done. Ross Perot was not a country favorite,
no matter how much money he
brought to the table, because his antics
made him unlikeable and untrustworthy.
You don’t have to look any further than
other US presidents to see that there’s
been a lot of that, but maybe you should
try to shine a little Clinton on and make
like a friend, at least for a little while.
Leo
This is going to be a summer of hot
cakes and hot peppers. Someone’s about
to brand her name on your ass and you’re
going to like it. Unlike the days of yore,
you don’t need to worry about giving in;
this one’s gonna be like a good S&M relationship...
giving in to give it up and get it
on. The universe is proud of you. You’ve
turned over a new leaf and the caterpillars
are chompin’.
Virgo
A wise man one said that you
should never get married, but your recent
history is belying the adage. It turns out
that getting married, and then swiftly divorced,
is like a warm piss bath followed
by a frolic in an ice jacuzzi: refreshing and
life altering. Where would you be now
if you didn’t know how to give a Valler a
hummer and a Merdilla a what-for? Like
making out with a dirty little Catalan cop,
life is all about the experiences you write
up the next day.
Libra
Look, honeypants, I hate to be
cruel, but you’re in for a serious verbal
smackdown. You’ve been coasting on
the wings of a dove, and the happy time
is up. This end of summer and beginning
of fall are going to be about reparations
for the worminess you’ve caused in
the communal anthill. See what happens
when you let the wrong one in? Confusion
and sadness in your ant friends, the
kind that eventually leads them to abandon
your dehydrated body along the edge
of a grassy knoll.
Scorpio
A few years back, Marks &
Spencer tried to sell a US B plug-in toy
pole dancer for Christmas. It didn’t go
over especially well, which I guess is unsurprising
in the hip but petrified urban
London market. Like M&S, you have
badly misjudged your audience to be
more relaxed than they are. This ain’t no
disco. It ain’t no country club either. If all
you want to do is have fun, you’re in for a
rude awakening.
Sagittarius
Only recently you incorporated
the thoughts of AC/DC and Nelson
Mandela in your daily. Rockers both,
but you have forgotten to absorb their
crowd appeal as a part of your New Deal.
What they did, essentially, was to deliver
a message saying, “Hey, listen up, this is
how to better yourself, or salute those
you respect.” Little dwarfs can’t dunk, but
here goes your Nerf (sueldo), and there
lies the little lo-rim kitty (stuff ya gotta pay
fo’). Like the rest of us, squeeze and enjoy.
Capricorn
No one ever points it
out, but the corn in your cap is no coincidence.
This month you’re like the invasive
corn plant taking over the world. You
have no room for carrots. No tolerance
for tomatoes. It’s all about you for a while.
Corn, corn, corn. And when it finally ends,
you’ll realize that your precious cornself
does not bring the vitamin content
you’re really needing. You’re starving the
little planet that is your life and while it
may seem fructose for a while, it’s really
bullshit.
Aquarius
It’s good to have a thick
skin, but you can’t expect hard-heartedness
from other people. Just as the BBC
homepage apparently thinks it’s fine to
refer to children stranded in a tree after a
flash flood as “Mexican flood children”, so
you too aren’t really picking up what sensitivity
is laying down. It’s time to test the
waters on a new personal PR campaign;
one in which you’re not the king of the
assholes. You can handle it. Reinvention
is the name of the game.
Pisces
Maybe you should spend less
time typing “slap that ass” into Google
and more time looking up the vibrating
crotch pole that I saw in an SMBD video.
What are those called, anyway? Regardless,
they’re dangerous. That’s what you
need to know. It’s time to inject a little
speed in your vida, even if it means laying
your usual caution by the wayside. The
cats are looking to jump your bones, and,
though we all know the pussies are dangerous,
they’re also finger-lickin’ good.
|
