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Aries
This summer, running with a
pack of watergun-toting freaks is a thing
of the past. You should strap on some real
muscle – take a Viagra if you have to – and
sell your shit like it’s 1 Euro beach doughnuts
and your life depends on it. Try out
your home highlights and see if that cougar
doesn’t respond to your smooth skin
and the artificial grey at your temples. Yes,
you’ve finally reached the point where
an older woman will have you. It’s rebaja
time, baby. Get down.
Taurus
An old friend was an impressive
bowler. 9 games out of 10 he was marking
up more than 220 points, and he had a
shirt with his name on it and one of those
professional-looking gloves. But then we
happened to notice that his toes were always
going over the line, and it destroyed
all our Big Lebowski fantasies. Who’ve you
been trying to impress with your cheating?
And have you noticed that you’ve had toilet
paper attached to your shoe since you
came out of the bathroom?
Gemini
Your recent love life is the plaid
vs. stripes rule in microcosm: you can’t
rock two opposing forces at once, even if
you think you’re being daring. Pau may be
pretty and Jordi an excellent cook, but do
you honestly think you’re all going to get
together and make naked lasagna? You
didn’t invent the recipe for disaster, but if
the balls you’ve been juggling happen to
collide, that tomato sauce is going to run
blood red, and not because Aunt Flo is visiting
again.
Cancer
Have you noticed that most
people tend to believe what other people
tell them? Someone who repeatedly
proclaims, “I am responsible,” is often
believed to be responsible. Someone who
claims to look great in red feather boas is
assumed to look great in red feather boas.
Whether we’re collectively trying to avoid
thinking or just inescapably reverting to
our natural sheeplike tendencies, we constantly
struggle to accept uncomfortable
truths. Be on the lookout this month for a
big, fat manipulator who will deliver a patent
lie like it’s a schwarma de pinxos.
Leo
You’ve lost something recently
through pure descuido. The situation is
neither as serious as ruining the Mediterranean
by pumping industrial waste
straight into it, nor as trifling as getting
your bike seat stolen because you forgot
to remove it, but it’s eating at you nonetheless.
Perhaps instead of getting defensive
you should consider which unintentional
carelessness it was that led to this
Category 2 hurricane. Solutions are just
around the corner.
Virgo
I’m afeared of the secret cat cabal
that assembles at dusk outside my
window, and beginning to understand
why people get aticos. For all the bird shit
and bat guano that you may remove by
the shovelful, you don’t have to endure
the Eyes-Wide-Shut, scream-inducing sex
rituals and post-coital aggression of these
rabid demons. Like the peace that comes
with nesting up high, mellowness is beginning
to infiltrate your life.
Libra
Let’s talk about knock-offs. At a
certain point, quality does become more
important than quantity, even in a season
when H&M is selling smocks made out of
floral-print cheesecloth and calling them
clothes. And yes, people can see clear up
your hoohah when you wear that shit.
Metaphorically speaking, you’ve taken to
buying fake Louis Vuitton, and it’s time
you ask yourself what you’re really after...
a perfectly sewn up package or the false
admiration of your peers?
Scorpio
A French sailor once roamed
the streets of Barcelona in search of
passionfruit juice. Not finding what he
was looking for at Kentucky, where they
only sell liquids that inspire more visceral
emotions, he finally settled for repeated
visits to Alcampo, the Walmart of the
Ciutat Comtal. The trips may have cost
him a bit of his dignity, but he found what
he was looking for. Life’s like that, though.
Sometimes you have to let go of utopia in
order to retain at least part of the fantasy.
Sagittarius
Wikipedia offers a fascinating
array of information on the uses
and medicinal properties of ass and
moose milk, the latter more popular in
countries where you might have to slit the
moose open and crawl inside for warmth
if you get caught in a snowstorm. In our
southern climes, ass liquid reigns and can
be used to repair the damage you’re currently
inflicting on your skin. Get out of
the sun and start sucking on some tetas.
Capricorn
What’s a Cosmo without
the lemon rind? What’s a sockhop without
the dance? What’s a film without the surprise?
Without a twist, your narrative’s
getting a little stale as well. Whatever
happened to your unpredictability, your
je ne sais quoi, your random city streaking?
Just because the Naked Man is ubiquitous
doesn’t call your uniqueness into
question. Do something surprising this
month, even and especially if you think it
might shock your friends.
Aquarius
Old men don’t waste a thing.
Every drop of that runny egg gets sopped
up with bread, every gota of that vermouth
is going down the gullet. Take a page from
the gente de la tercera edad this month,
even if you feel that your youth affords
you time to waste. Otherwise, you’ll find
you have squandered the joys that come
with waking up in the morning pain-free.
And no, hangover headaches don’t count.
Pisces
Lately you’ve been putting
far too much emphasis on rationality.
Though it may serve its purpose in your
professional life, other exciting parts of
your personality are dying a slow death
under the weight of your seny. Rauxa
exists for a reason, and “I love you” is just
code for acknowledging a mutual connection.
Make like you’re a teenager and it’s
glue sniffin’ time. Who knows where the
night will lead you?
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